Saturday 5 September 2015

Is Sharing Really Caring These Days?

Last night I read this truly great article and it struck a chord with me; it made me feel all kinds of emotions, some good, some bad, but all really quite powerful; but then, it made me kinda mad.. It's a raw account of having had a nervous breakdown (if you're too lazy to follow the above link) and as usual, I really loved reading another human's account of something I went through a few years ago. Obviously, I am not saying that I too was necking a bottle of whiskey before work, even at the height of my student lifestyle, I couldn't have done that at pre-drinks, let alone before 11am. But I too crumbled and ended up lower than low, all due to my brain, the thing that is supposed to be responsible for keeping me alive. I am also in a very similar situation moving on from a nervous breakdown as the author of this piece, I may no longer be some sort of numb, incapable zombie who would want nothing more than to cease to exist; but I will forever battle my own mind and the effects it has on my life. Needless to say, my nervous breakdown and subsequent mental illness have a rather large bearing on my life. Sometimes I become overwhelmed at how far I have come, I've held down various jobs and finally seem to have made my way on to some sort of career path, I've become unbelievably better at asking for help and finding slightly less self destructive coping mechanisms, hell, I've continued getting out of bed and taking on life for almost 4 years now. And yet, I still feel embarrassed, ashamed and unsure when it comes to sharing some of these aspects of my life with those around me. As soon as I read Kate's wonderful article last night, I wanted to share it with my people, but I spent quite a while hovering over that 'post' button on Facebook: would I be judged for sharing this, would I be deemed an attention seeker for basically admitting to a few hundred people that I too have hit rock bottom and found the strength to carry on? After a few minutes, I thought, as I often do in various situations; f*ck it. This matters to me. I hit post. Obviously there has been no backlash, name calling or anything of the sort, but for a while after, I did ponder what others would think of me. And then I became pretty damn angry; we live in a world where people share pretty much everything!! What they are eating, their unborn children, their new purchases, I mean, for f*cks sake, people are taking post sex selfies and I am worrying about sharing something that well and truly matters to me and so many other people around the globe. Despite pledging to be honest about my mental illness, I would never divulge 100% of what I've encountered along the way because some of it is just too personal and intimate, but I'll be damned if I will feel looked down upon for starting a conversation about something that needs to be talked about. People end their lives all the time because they don't know where to turn. Just this morning, my cousin, one of the most awesome people in my life and someone who has been a pillar of strength to me over the years, opened up about being diagnosed with acute anxiety disorder and his temptation to end it all because he felt he couldn't ask for help. It's not okay that we can share almost anything and it be "liked" by the masses and yet there is such a huge stigma around talking about our feelings, motivations or lack thereof and everything that comes along with that. If it's okay for people to physically bare almost all on the internet, I will not be happy until it is okay for people to bare their souls if they choose to. We rejoice when people share their achievements, whether that is taking on a physical challenge, raising money for charity, falling in love or having a family so why can't I rejoice when I've successfully gotten out of bed and eaten 3 square meals when once of a day, such a task would have seemed to me like climbing Mount Everest or walking the length of the Amazon.
I completely understand that to those who have never dealt with mental illness, this may all seem completely foreign, and if so, I beg you to just spend five minutes thinking or reading about it. It affects so many of us and yet is still so often swept under the rug. And to those out there, soldiering on or feeling alone and ashamed, stop. You are so far from alone and so downright freaking awesome. Celebrate yourself and your achievements big or small. Did you open your curtains today and not shy away from life? Did you finally take the enormous step in admitting you are struggling and may need help? Did you take your meds and just get on with your day? Then good for you!! Share it!! Celebrate it!! And carry on being you!!
There is no selfie or challenge to spread awareness and hope for those living in the fog of mental illness so we will just have to use our voices and our words and hope it is enough.

Becca.

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