Darkness On The Edge Of Town

This week has been a bit of a struggle. For no real reason, i had the wordt panic attack i have had in a long time on Monday. It just came over me like a bad wave; i couldn't breathe, my heart was pounding like crazy. I just sat there and hyperventilated and sobbed for about half an hour. It was so overwhelming and terrifying. I suppose no matter how much i tell myself that things will get better, depression and anxiety don't quite work like that; they hover on the periphery, tainting life and striking when you don't expect them to. As usual, panicking lead to depression and dark thoughts and lits of crying. Why does my brain do this? Why am i such a failure? Why can't i be normal? Once i'm in this mode, not a lot can help, it is such a dark and scary place to be. I feel like i am just a big failure at life and therefore i hate myself for it. Needless to say, since then, i haven't really felt myself. It is taking every bit of strength i have to get through the days so that i can come home and hide from everything. Well, almost everything, i  wish i could give myself a temporary lobotomy sometimes. Just escape my thoughts for a while and not be so tired and sad. 

But for now, i will settle with crawling into my bed and hiding from everything but my brain. And hoping that the cat doesn't leave another headless rat in the kitchen for me.. 

Hope you are all having a good week. 

Becca.