Saturday 12 April 2014

Battle Of One

I am a bit ashamed of how long it has been since my last post, however, I never want this blog to become a self-indulgent rant. It is so much more to me than that and I hope people realise that. It is never easy to sit and write some of my most personal feelings down for anyone to see but I hope that in doing so I can help other people who are battling depression and anxiety realise that they are not alone, and help spread just a little bit of understanding for those who have never experienced such things. Recently, I have been suffering with some MAJOR mood swings, a common side effect of depression itself and antidepressant medication. This is partly why I have avoided writing anything in the heat of the moment because it is just a bit too scary to put down. I can go from quite content to feeling homicidal or suicidal in mere seconds. It really isn't pleasant. The smallest things can tip me over the edge for example, dropping something on the floor the other day had me crying hysterically for a good half hour. Someone close to me can say something completely harmless and yet I will want to kick them in the shins and run away. It is really scary to feel so unable to control your own thoughts like this. Such feelings of rage or frustration then usually turn round on myself and I get all full of self loathing again and feel like I deserve to be punished for being so crap at life. Usually, it just takes some time by myself to battle these thoughts out in my head and i am quite proud that i haven't spiralled out of control recently. 
On a happier note, i have had some really lovely times recently. I am so grateful for all the wonderful people in my life who get me through the shitty times even when i am in a foul mood and don't want to carry on. I promise to try and get back into writing now i feel like i have found my words again. 

Becca. 

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