Good Vibrations

Life recently has been a bit strange. Had a few knocks to my confidence/self and I've felt a bit drained and zombie like at times which is never nice. I always get a bit nervous when I start feeling flat because I worry that I'm gonna plummet into the dark place I struggle to get out of. It's that lack of mental control that comes with illnesses like depression that is really frightening.Not knowing if you are going to wake up feeling okay or suicidal or somewhere slightly grim in the middle. Luckily, there haven't been any catastrophic lows recently so I am still chugging along. I've worked quite a bit more and I actually feel like it is building my confidence a little, I feel like maybe I'm not horrific at something for a change, I might actually be doing okay. I am the sort of person that can laugh off most things and act quite carefree; but on the inside I am so critical of myself and so filled with self-loathing that I usually just feel like I am doing something for no reason and it will probably be rubbish and people are going to hate it and I'm going to be embarrassed or judged. Being remotely proud of something I have done is just something that doesn't come naturally: I'm a pessimist, a self-loathing pessimist. This makes it really nice to actually feel like I am doing something alright, I am not failing like I assume I will. Maybe not the hugest thing to some people, but to me, saying that is massive.
Counselling this week was a little different, Nicola let me just talk a bit to let off a bit of steam. As I have said before, talking about my emotions is both draining and scary but it can also be quite therapeutic and so it was nice to talk in a place I knew I wouldn't be judged. She also gave me some things to think about me relating to my sleeping and time related anxiety. I've had a bit of trouble sleeping recently, even when taking my night time antidepressants and you will all know that lying awake in bed trying to sleep just sucks. For me it is particularly excruciating, I hatehatehate to be alone with my own thoughts. It scares me so much and is definitely why you will usually find me reading, listening to music or watching a film whilst doing most things. Lying in the dark and trying to sleep can be so frustrating and frightening but I never know how to deal with it. Nicola has told me that instead of punishing myself in the darkness I should get up, leave my room, read a book, make a drink, anything that gets you away from your bed to keep your brain happy as it obviously doesn't want to sleep. After a while, try and go back to bed and see what happens. I have yet to try this technique but it seems like something I am definitely going to try and see how it works for me. Another thing she suggested I do is pull an all nighter. Bizzare I know. But I get really bad anxiety when I haven't had a good nights sleep because I assume that because I am tired, I will do something bad or wrong and fail, whether it is at work or just in general, to me, no sleep means bad things will happen. She thinks part of it is linked to an old memory of the one time I pulled an all nighter and then getting some horrific news the next day and partly because I am just a nervy wreck. She says that a main thing to do to get over anxiety issues is simply to challenge them and prove them wrong. Much easier said than done but I'm trying. Also linked with this is my paranoia about being late; quite a normal thing to most people but I just can't hack it, I am terrified that if I am late, bad things will happen. Stupid I know, but that's my brain for you. You can guess what Nicola's suggestion is; be late for something. I really don't know if I will manage this but I will keep you posted. I also tried to explain to her the time related anxiety I posted about a bit ago and how it was starting to control my life. She said it is something I need to try and beat sooner rather than later as it can lead to OCD traits that can start to rule your life. She has said I should set alarms for important things i.e. work, going to bed, eating and then just not looking at the time. Doing whatever and trying to avoid the continual need to check the time and think about how long things are taking me. This is also something I am trying to do but I do find myself checking the time way before my alarms are due and then considering myself a failure. Very frustrating but I suppose at least I'm trying!
Sorry, such a wordy post today! Here are some photos I have taken recently to try keep myself inspired. And a few from today's trip to the farm with Robbie and Maia (TOO MUCH CUTE. that is all I will say:))

Becca.