This week has been a bit of a struggle. For no real reason, i had the wordt panic attack i have had in a long time on Monday. It just came over me like a bad wave; i couldn't breathe, my heart was pounding like crazy. I just sat there and hyperventilated and sobbed for about half an hour. It was so overwhelming and terrifying. I suppose no matter how much i tell myself that things will get better, depression and anxiety don't quite work like that; they hover on the periphery, tainting life and striking when you don't expect them to. As usual, panicking lead to depression and dark thoughts and lits of crying. Why does my brain do this? Why am i such a failure? Why can't i be normal? Once i'm in this mode, not a lot can help, it is such a dark and scary place to be. I feel like i am just a big failure at life and therefore i hate myself for it. Needless to say, since then, i haven't really felt myself. It is taking every bit of strength i have to get through the days so that i can come home and hide from everything. Well, almost everything, i wish i could give myself a temporary lobotomy sometimes. Just escape my thoughts for a while and not be so tired and sad.
But for now, i will settle with crawling into my bed and hiding from everything but my brain. And hoping that the cat doesn't leave another headless rat in the kitchen for me..
I am a bit ashamed of how long it has been since my last post, however, I never want this blog to become a self-indulgent rant. It is so much more to me than that and I hope people realise that. It is never easy to sit and write some of my most personal feelings down for anyone to see but I hope that in doing so I can help other people who are battling depression and anxiety realise that they are not alone, and help spread just a little bit of understanding for those who have never experienced such things. Recently, I have been suffering with some MAJOR mood swings, a common side effect of depression itself and antidepressant medication. This is partly why I have avoided writing anything in the heat of the moment because it is just a bit too scary to put down. I can go from quite content to feeling homicidal or suicidal in mere seconds. It really isn't pleasant. The smallest things can tip me over the edge for example, dropping something on the floor the other day had me crying hysterically for a good half hour. Someone close to me can say something completely harmless and yet I will want to kick them in the shins and run away. It is really scary to feel so unable to control your own thoughts like this. Such feelings of rage or frustration then usually turn round on myself and I get all full of self loathing again and feel like I deserve to be punished for being so crap at life. Usually, it just takes some time by myself to battle these thoughts out in my head and i am quite proud that i haven't spiralled out of control recently.
On a happier note, i have had some really lovely times recently. I am so grateful for all the wonderful people in my life who get me through the shitty times even when i am in a foul mood and don't want to carry on. I promise to try and get back into writing now i feel like i have found my words again.
After reading quite a bit about Darren Aronofsky's latest film venture, I was really looking forward to seeing it. And I will begin by saying, it definitely isn't for everyone, but if you like The Lord Of The Rings and things along those lines, I would really recommend giving this a go. It is quite difficult to describe the setting and society surrounding Russell Crowe and his family. It is both more modern than you initially think but equally as primitive and bleak as you would expect. In a world that has been pillaged by man, Noah and his clan are alone in their quest to respect God's creation. Aronofsky deals really well with both the religous and the fantasy elements of this story, there are no mentions of the word God, he is always referred to as the creator, a term I think works really well in this film. And Aronofsky doesn't shy away from using all the effects available to film makers today, the epitome of this probably being the fallen angels that are bound to earth. Despite such effects, Noah remains a very human film; emotions run high throughout (yes, I cried) and the audience cannot help but be sucked right into the centre of the action.
I don't want to give too much away because although everyone knows the story of the animals going in two by two, there is plenty of the unexpected in this film that I would hate to ruin.
Don't discard this as some lame retelling of a biblical tale that is so far fetched it is ridiculous. You will be pleasantly surprised at how well Aronofsky deals with the most sceptical of arguments and the acting from a pretty stellar cast is divine. And of course, the effects of an apocalyptic flood are something you really benefit from seeing on the big screen.
I feel like a lot of us girls spend far too much time trying to achieve that perfect "undone" look with our hair. You know, I just rolled out of bed and looked this tousled. When in reality it took at least thirty minutes to achieve. Here are two products I have found that cut that time down to a few spritzes. Depending on the look you want, you can use these on straightened hair or wavy or natural or whatever you fancy. Just a few sprays in the roots and ends and you are good to go.
The Bumble and Bumble dryspun finish is by fat the best product I have used to achieve such a look. It doesn't weigh the hair down, feel tacky or anything like that. It adds volume and texture wherever you spray it. However, the £22 price tag mean that this is a product reserved for special occasions and nights out only.
But what about those days when you want to look perfectly undone? The Toni and Guy Rough Texturising spray creates a very similar effect for a much more purse friendly £6. I won't lie, it isn't quite as wonderful as the Bumble and Bumble, it creates a similar look, but it does feel like it weighs the hair down a bit more, after a full day of wear, my hair feels quite dirty and like it needs a good wash to remove all the left over product. Not ideal but not unbearable either.
Are there any texturising products you would recommend for the perfect undone locks?
My skincare routine definitely changes with the seasons and these are the three products I have been reaching for all the time recently to help the transition from Autumn/Winter to Spring Summer.
First up, the Tea Tree Toner Water from Lush. It is no secret that I am a huge Lush fan and this buy has fast become one I cannot survive without. You can use it on cotton wool to cleanse the face and remove dirt/make up or you can shut your eyes and just spray it straight on to clean skin. It is in no way overpowering in scent or sensation as some tea tree products can be; it feels really gentle on the skin but you can also feel it working. Since using this, my skin feels so much fresher, my pores are definitely less obvious and it halts evil break ups in their tracks. My routine is not complete without this anymore. Secondly, The Body Shop's Vitamin E Overnight Serum in Oil: A slightly strange product that feels a bit risky slathering on to your face at night. As my skin can vary from normal to oily/spotty, adding more oil into the situation just feels stupid. But this stuff is fantastic! You wake up with skin feeling clean and fresh with no lingering greasiness as you would expect. My face definitely feels more radiant and fresh after using this, something I am definitely a fan of as I tend to stop wearing foundation and the like in summer. Finally, another Body Shop product; Honey Bronze. A slightly oddly described "shimmering dry oil". This is something I have had for about 2 years and only recently fallen in love with. You can apply it wherever you fancy really, for a glowy effect that you can usually only achieve after a week abroad. I love using it as a bit of a highlighter on my face, dabbing a small amount in the usual places, cheekbones etc. For a glow that as I said, a week in the sun usually provides. If I am going out or dressing up a bit or what not, I usually like to rub a bit of this on my shoulders/collarbones as it just adds a beautiful depth to the skin.
These three combined are slowly making my skin feel like it is ready for summer. Are there any products you can't live without? Or would you recommend any other things for me to try out?
I remember when I went blonde for the first time a couple of years ago and I didn't really look into haircare or anything like that all too much. Looking back now I hate how brassy and yellow it sometimes looked! But that's in the past ey! The last year or so though has found me trying countless purple shampoos and treatments to try and keep that ashy blonde I love so much. I have used most of the well known ones, Provoke, Directions, John Frieda etc etc. But not long ago when my pal was hating how gingery her hair was, she picked up Lee Stafford and the results were INCREDIBLE. I can honestly say I will never buy a different purple shampoo. It takes away any brassy yellow tones almost instantly, leaving such a lovely ash blonde shade I still can't quite believe it. Even near the roots of my hair which are quite a dark blonde, it takes them to a colour I really adore. I like to leave it on a bit longer sometimes as it creates a sort of pinky silvery tinge to my hair that I have been stopped by strangers at work asking how I dye it. There is no trace of the patchy purple tones other shampoos have a tendency to leave. I cannot recommend this shampoo enough, it was sent from the hair gods if you ask me.
Have you tried this particular shampoo before? Are there any blonde products you can't live without?
Feeling a bit tired and weird today. The thought of leaving the house totally overwhelmed me. Which resulted in the manic side of my depression kicking in and i have a suuuper tidy organised room. Recently i have noticed the manic side of my illness coming out, although it isn't quite as horrible as being sad and down, it still scares me. I feel like i don't really have control over myself. I think it might be my brains way of defending itself from becoming overwhelmed with sadness and tiredness? I just wish i could be normal.
On a slightly irrelevant note, does anyone watch The Following?!!!??!!