Having to remind myself that every little downfall isn't a failure today. Even getting up is a victory. Just because I am feeling overwhelmed and disheartened, that doesn't mean I may as well give up, right? At least that's what I'm telling myself because right now, all I want to do is hide under my duvet and cry a lot.
I can do this. I can make it through this day. Just like I've made it through the last however many shitty, shitty days.
After a few months of eating anything and everything and yet another crippling kidney infection I decided to make some changes.
I have started to listen to my body, push through the lazy moments, and get back to nature. I've stopped eating meat, cut down a loooot on snacks, (anyone close to me will tell you how much I snack!!) and actually started to enjoy eating healthily. I think the main thing is that I haven't told myself that I am going to cut out all of one thing or what not. I still allow myself crisps or chocolate if I feel like it, however, it will be one bag or a few bits; not a giant bar etc. i never ate much meat anyway so going back to veggie doesn't really make a difference. I have actually put effort into making salads I enjoy and finding alternatives and I love it. I'm not saying these things are huge, however every little counts right?
The main thing I've been working on is getting our more. I've always been a happy little hippy at heart; there is nothing I love more than fresh air and a breathtaking sunset and I have been pushing myself to go and appreciate these things more and my gosh it makes my soul soar!
After having some truly dark days in the last couple of months and being referred
back to counselling (more on that soon); it is really uplifting for me to find some peace of mind in my own way.
I feel like I am finding myself and making baby steps towards being content with myself once more and I am really okay with that.
I feel like my life has been in a bit of a state of transition these last few months; as if I've been on quite a journey with myself despite not really actually going anywhere.
It makes me sad that I haven't written on here in so long but at the same time, I have embraced the opportunity to live life without constantly analysing it for the sake of putting some words on the internet.
Quite a lot has changed since my last post: Me and mum packed up the only home I've ever known and moved into a beaut little cottage just around the corner. I didn't expect it to be easy, but leaving a place with so many memories really did have an effect on me. We are now fully settled in the new place and despite a few ups and downs, it does feel like home. There have been a few romances come and gone, some better than others but each one teaching me things about myself I didn't know before and I take those feelings and carry on. The biggest change has most definitely been career wise though: On a bit of a whim I applied for a job at company my lovely pal Mel works at as a Specialist Support Worker. The interview was possibly one of the most stressful things ever! I barely remember what I said let alone how I came across to potential employers but I must have done something right as they said they were bowled over by my enthusiasm and decided to give me a whirl. That was just over 6 months ago and I feel that it has been one of the most positive things that has ever happened to me. I work almost daily, mainly with children and one adult all on the autistic spectrum and it is incredible. Challenging and exhausting at times but also inspiring and entertaining and every other emotion you can possibly imagine. It has also pushed me to start actually planning my future; realising that working with children is someting I thrive on, I have been pursuing work experience and voluntary opportunities wherever I can. Thanks to one of my old teachers, I managed to get a weeks experience and my old high school and am now pushing to get a Teaching Assistant job there come September. As much as I adore support work and will hopefully continue with it for as long as possible, the lack of proper routine isn't ideal for my mental health and general well being especially if I want to start on the road to becoming a counsellor. I guess you could say that I now have a plan, a goal, an aim in life and that is great, it certainly took me long enough. But my God, it scares me. When I was flitting around just waitressing or getting by, I definitely still had that final goal, but it seemed so far away it didn't actually affect me. Now the real potential for failure is there and, being my own worst critic with a hell of a lot of insecurities, I don't handle failure well. I'm just trying not to think about that really though and knuckling down as much as I can.
Given the amount I feel I have matured recently, naturally some sort of momento was required. I've added to my tattoo collection quite a bit this year but to mark myself finally letting go of my childhood dream of being a Lost Boy or a pirate, I had two stars inked on the back of my arm, the right one bolder than the left. I'll never quite stop hoping for that escape...
Heather ended up getting the same thing as we are just that cool and she is also doing so fab at life recently as a grown up, an impulsive moment was required:)
This has turned in to quite the self indulgent essay, sorry about that! I'm hoping I can keep up my ramblings as there is a lot I would like to share.
It's that time of year again; when our newsfeeds are inundated with resolutions, positive quotes and thoughts of the future. I doubt I'm alone in my dislike of such a time. I find it lonely, overwhelming and it leaves somewhat of a bad taste in my mouth. Naturally, some of that can be linked to such a dark time three years ago when everyone elses positivity only highlighted the bleak sadness which I was wrapped in but it isn't just that. I love the build up to Christmas, the buzz, the fairy lights and the love that comes from spending time with your favourite people, even if it usually winds up being absolutely exhausting, it's worth it. Once that is over though, it feels as if your life has spun slightly out of control; routine is a thing of the past and everyone is looking towards the future. Call me a pessimist but I have quite a strong dislike for the social ritual that is making New Years resolutions, I know I will never keep them and so prefer to save myself the disappointment and not make any in the first place. I also find it utterly terrifying that we are again at the beginning of a new period. I am constantly telling myself to avoid thinking about the past as I only get bogged down and trapped in it. To avoid crippling anxiety, I try to avoid thinking about most of the future as that frightens me into submission and makes the whole process obsolete. I like to hope I'm not the only one who feels this way and that at least one of you will join me in raising a glass to the now. 2014 may be over and 2015 may be just beginning but I am toasting today: a day that I have made it through despite fear and self loathing, despite tiredness and stress, a day that has contained countless feelings and a day almost at a close. And that is where I shall end these ramblings for today.
I got told something today that worried me slightly: I was informed and pushed slightly towards getting my medication on repeat prescription. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand the need and use for prescription and I see how convenient it must be for other people. However, to me, it seems really unhealthy to be advising someone to use repeat prescriptions for antidepressants. It feels kind of like admitting defeat and accepting that you will be on this medication for ages and there is no need to speak to anyone about it and that seems so disgusting to me. If I'm not getting even a little bit of contact time with even my GP every month, how am I supposed to let things out and discuss positive ways to progress through life, let alone managing to see a counselor or therapist again. It is just another huge negative strike against the health service in my life. The treatment I have received in the last 6+ months is just pathetic and dire. It frightens me as well because I am someone who is happy to accept that I need quite a lot of help and I would like to access as much as possible and yet I am being shunned and slipping through the net. How must people feel who are trying to sum up the courage to ask for help, if they finally managed and received this kind of treatment, I wouldn't blame them if they thought "what's the point?" and attempted to carry on alone and maybe struggle and give up. It is a frightening and saddening thought.
Have any of you received similar treatment? I have seen people discussing it on Twitter and it seems to be a national problem and it really distresses me.
I have so many drafts of half finished posts at the moment and a notebook I am filling with ideas. And yet here I am, starting another post... But I suppose that's what "lifestyle blogging" is all about. Today I am trying to pick up on the mindfulness practices I started earlier this year during CBT. The Little Book of Mindfulness is so perfect for throwing in your bag and reading on the go as well as pondering over and writing post it notes to leave yourself around the house. As anxiety lives in the future and depression in the past, the present is something I am rarely in and so I am vowing to myself and you reading this, that I will make a more conscious effort to be in the "now" as much as possible. So far, it's quite inspiring and has lead me back to my trusty 642 Things To Write About book.
Have you ever tried to practice mindfulness? What inspires you on a day to day basis?
I saw this on Postsecret this Sunday and it really struck a chord with me:
Anti-depressants have cropped in conversation with a few people in the past few months and it's a debate that is always on going. I know some people see it as an easy way out or something that is unhealthy and not all that useful and that's fair enough if it's your view. I can comprehend that in some cases they may mask the bigger problems and if people aren't willing to tackle things then they may not be the best route forward. However, to me, I see them as the difference between being here and not being here; my therapist referred to them as a safety rope that is there to help me as I deal with things and continue on with my life. My mental state is not stable enough for me to go about my life unmedicated. Even with the tablets I take, I have mood swings and emotions that are frightening in their strength and toxicity and so without them, I would be in no state to deal with them, quite frankly, I would have lost the battle way before now. Going back to the secret above, recently I have been in one of my more pensive frames of mind, overthinking absolutely everything about myself and my life and in doing so, naturally I consider my mental health. As I have said, I am in no position to consider coming off my meds and going about life as usual because I'm incapable, however I occasionally feel like my tablets are numbing me more than I would like, taking away my ability to feel things as deeply as I would like. I have always been an emotional person, I can get so excited and passionate about the smallest, more random things and sometimes I feel like I've lost that. Basically, I feel exactly the same as whoever created this postcard. That in itself is slightly reassuring because one of the huge characteristics of depression is making you feel completely isolated and to know that someone else feels this way is like a bit of a glow in an otherwise dark place. Although it does stir up the mentioned debate of pros and cons of antidepressants. Sorry if this is coming across a bit garbled, it is a huge ongoing debate within my brain and all very dependent on my mood on a certain day and obviously depression itself can cause the numbness and inabilty to live and feel as you sometimes desire, it may not always be linked to medication.
Following on from my last post and mental health awareness, I'd love to hear from any of you, your views on living with mental health issues and taking medication. Let's keep the conversation going...